By this stage in this series, you may have had enough philosophizing and you might be wondering if I’m ever going to give you some practical tips for handling peer pressure.

What I’ve said so far is first, know who you are. Second, know why you’re being pressure and by whom. Third, know what the pressure is, and what its consequences are.

Fourth? Find a substitute rush and affirming friends.

Studies have shown that teenagers’ brains are hardwired to take risks. They give you a rush and make you feel amazing. It’s great to feel vivid and sparkly and free, but it’s not smart to get the alive feelings by doing things that can kill you. Doing drugs and alcohol and risky stuff is just not a great decision.

However, there are other things in life that can give you the same feelings without the bad side-effects. Sport, and particularly running, can get you ‘high’ on endorphins. You can challenge yourself by pushing as hard as you can. Finding vivid feelings in performance and creative arts is also a buzz. If singing a solo on stage isn’t taking a risk, I don’t know what is. Join a canyoning club, study chess, learn swing dancing, discover a cure for cancer, invent facebook... really, as long as the activity is legal and relatively safe and your parents agree to it, what it is doesn’t matter. If it gives you a buzz, go for it. You won’t need drugs and drink to feel the excitement of life, so you’ll be more immune to peer pressure.

The other thing that builds immunity to peer pressure is to know that you are loved and valued. It helps to be valued at home by your parents and family. It’s really good to have friends who can affirm you, and it’s even better to know that God loves you so much that he even sent his son to die for you. You are valuable and precious and special. And if you truly understand that, you won’t need to fall for the lie of acceptance by peer pressure.

Of course, finding friends who are affirming might mean leaving a group of friends that you know are no good for you. If the only thing your friends are interested in is drink, drugs and having it off with the boys over the road, perhaps it’s time to look elsewhere. Only you know when you need to make that decision. The good thing is that from reading this book you now know how to make new friends, so you have ways to overcome the fear that might be already creeping up on you just from reading that sentence.

The fifth thing you can do is to develop a sense of humour and confidence about saying no. You might feel like dying inside, but if you can crack a joke and have a laugh and keep your integrity, you’ll gain people’s respect and admiration.

Finally, the sixth practical thing you can do is to make a plan and be prepared for the times you’ll face peer pressure to do things you’re not comfortable with. Here are some questions you can ask yourself as you think about it. You might want to discuss this with your parents if you think they can handle it!

Where am I likely to be pressured into.....?

Can I avoid the place?

What is a good reason I can give for avoiding it?

Can I leave early?

Who is likely to pressure me?

What are some things I can say to that person to help them feel affirmed even while I say no to their pressure?

Why have I decided to resist the pressure of....?

Can I think of ways to express my decision that sound gentle and humorous instead of angry and defensive?

What can I do instead of ....?

If I’m really in a tight spot, is there someone I can call to talk to about it?

Some of the typical peer pressures that teenagers face are drugs, tobacco, alcohol, sex, dangerous driving and going underage to public venues.

I’ve often wondered why young people don’t feel pressured to do things like, say, lawn bowls or ballroom dancing. I think it’s because of two things. One is the risk factor. The other is the way some things affect our bodies and heighten our emotions and sensations. Both make us feel absolutely, gloriously alive.

Dangerous driving, being under-age and sneaking out of school to smoke are all risky activities. You might get caught, or hurt, or arrested. Taking the risk is what it’s about. Doing something dangerous gives us a shot of adrenalin through our body. It’s a buzz, it’s a rush and it’s addictive.

Taking drugs, drinking and having sex also give us a rush and a buzz. Being high, or totally without inhibitions or turned on is something that feels so great that we just can’t understand why you wouldn’t want to do it all the time.

Feeling the extent of our body’s capacity for emotions and sensations is one of the wonderful things of being a teenager. It’s true that as people get older, they do seem to feel things less intensely. Teenagers have an amazing gift for appreciating the vividness and sparkliness of life.

So if it feels so good to do these things, why do all the adults tell you to ‘just say no’, ‘don’t go’, ‘avoid temptation’ and all the rest of it?

Let’s take a look at drugs. Basically, they fry your brain. Don’t forget, your brain is still growing and developing. Recent studies show that it happens right up until the age of about 25. You can do your own research on the effect different drugs have on you, but what you’ll find out is that none of them are good for you. Add to that the fact that the majority or drugs are addictive and there’s the potential for a nice little habit which will eat your time, your money and your relationships alive. Interestingly, many people with a diagnosis of schizophrenia have a background with drugs. 

No-one argues that tobacco is harmless any more. Everyone knows the potential health risks, and everyone knows that it is addictive. You’d have to be a fool to smoke, so why bother trying it?

What about alcohol? Binge drinking is terrible for your health and bad for society. It can poison your liver, affect your brain development and potentially lead to alcoholism. Drinking to excess leads to fights and violence, public humiliation, and unwanted sex. Governments all over the world are counting the cost of young people drinking too much. And driving while under the influence is a car accident waiting to happen.

Sex. I’ve written a whole chapter on it already, so go back and read it. When used in the wrong way, it can lead to disillusionment, self-loathing, regrets, unwanted pregnancy, sexually transmitted diseases and dissociation between body and soul.

Driving dangerously and taking crazy risks can kill you. You might feel invulnerable, like nothing could happen to you, but it’s easy enough to become a dead statistic with no future. And doing illegal stuff can get you arrested. A police record could affect your future job prospects.

So why do we feel pressured to do these things? I think that it’s because it’s easy to substitute the great feelings that adrenalin and drugs and alcohol give you for acceptance and love.

When you’re high you love the world and everyone is your friend. But it’s a false substitute. The only thing that will make you feel loved is actually being loved. By people. In real friendships and relationships.

When you come off the trip and get that insecurity and fear of rejection back in your body, all you want to do is go back to the high again. The problem is that you need a bigger and bigger kick every time to keep making you feel good. Chasing the highs leads to addiction and really mucks up whatever relationships you do have.

When you face peer pressure to do something you don’t feel comfortable with, take a step back and look at it clearly. What are you hoping to get from the experience? A rush? Acceptance? Will it deliver what you think it promises? And if it doesn’t deliver, how will you feel when it’s all over?

Our Bible study is trying to find a way to read the Bible more and to help each other to do it better. It's too easy to get distracted. 

So I've begun The Quiet Time Challenge, where I'll post a Bible passage every few days for anyone to read and comment on. You're more than welcome to join in and it's easy to leave comments on my blog. 

Get to the Quiet Time Challenge by using the link in the Navigation Bar to the left of this post.

Step 2. Know who they are and what they want

The second step in dealing with peer pressure is to understand the dynamics of what’s going on around you. Who are the people putting pressure on you, and what do they want?

Realising that everyone around you feels the same way as you do can help to take the pressure off. It might not feel true, and it might not appear to be true to you, but I promise you, it is. Almost everyone feels terrified of rejection when they are teenagers. I haven’t met a single adult who can look back at their high school years and say, “I was totally comfortable all the time.”

Teenagers develop different strategies to deal with the fear of rejection. One way is to be cool. Pretending to be confident fools a lot of people. Another way is to be constantly angry. If people are scared of what you might do, they probably won’t make you the target of their jokes. Cynicism and an attitude that says, “I don’t care” is another defence. It’s impossible to hurt someone who doesn’t take anything seriously. Playing power games is yet another strategy. Some people find they have a talent for being in charge and manipulating others. It feels like a safe place to be because no-one can reject you if you’re pulling everyone else’s strings. Then there are the people who drop out, act out or just zone out because it’s all too hard.

Who are the people who are putting pressure on you? Can you recognise their basic insecurity if you look hard enough? It gets easier as you get older, but it’s possible to see it at your age if you open your eyes to it.

Understanding that everyone else is scared too makes life just that little bit easier. If you’re getting a hard time from someone, but you can recognise her insecurity and the defence that she uses to hide it, it’s easier to not take it personally.

Secret number one that you have to get is that everyone’s terrified and hiding it in different ways. Secret number two is that every person out there, even the toughest, hardest one, wants to know and to feel that she or he is ok. Everyone wants to feel that they are unique and grown up. Everyone wants to know that they are loved.

Picking on someone who is different makes teenagers feel that they are ok. Doing things that aren’t allowed, like smoking or drinking, and doing them with other people, makes them feel that they are unique and grown up. Being accepted as part of a group makes them feel that they are loved.

When someone pressures you to join in, what they really want is for you to validate them. They want to know that they aren’t going to be rejected. If you don’t join in, they see you as rejecting them, and because that’s the biggest fear of their lives, they’ll work hard to make you feel you have no choice.

So what can you do? Well, the obvious solution is to find other ways to make the people around you feel that they are ok, that they are unique and that they are loved.

Being mature enough to be thick-skinned and forgiving when people insult you is a good start. Saying kind and encouraging things (but not being too cheesy) and avoiding insulting them back might help too. Finding ways to help people out or go the extra mile for them is another way to do it. If your friends feel validated by you because you’ve taken steps to show them you care, they are less likely to reject you or pressure you into doing something you might regret later.

So far, I've talked about what peer pressure is, and why peer influence is developmentally necessary for everyone. Now I'll get to the first of the six steps for dealing with negative peer pressure.

Step 1. Know who you are and what you want

I told you about the difference between child and teenage development. Children learn from their families, and then they bring that knowledge into the wider world as teens. The whole point of going through a developmental period of ‘peer influence’ in your life is so that you will develop into an adult who knows who she is and where she fits in the world.

The quicker you can get to that point, the more favours you are going to do for yourself.

One of the most important things you can do as a teenager is to work out what you believe, what you live by and what kind of person you want to be. One of the next most important things you can do is to work out how you are going to feed that belief, how you are going to live it out and how you are going to be that person.

I became a Christian at the age of six. It was a real conversion. I definitely understood what Jesus had done for me on the cross, and it meant so much to me that I was forgiven. Like at most important important moments in my life, I cried. It kind of marks the occasion for me emotionally.

From my family and parents and church I learned a lot more about God over the next five to six years. I grew in my faith and I called myself a Christian. I also started to understand some of the basic tenets of the Christian life. There was of course, being honest and helping others. Every Sunday school kid learns that. Another one was that obeying the rules, even if I didn’t necessarily agree with them, was actually a Christian thing to do. It showed respect for the people who were in charge.

Once I got to high school, however, there were many opportunities to break the rules. And there was pressure to break the rules out of solidarity with the group.

On one hand, I desperately wanted to be part of everyone and take a puff of that cigarette I was offered. On the other hand, I knew smoking wasn’t allowed, and was also illegal, and I was a Christian.

I had to make a decision. What was more important to me? Was being truthful to what I believed in and had experienced for myself most important? Or was being part of my peer group most important?

In the end, I chose being truthful to myself. I knew that I was a Christian. I knew that smoking illegally and unlawfully was not a Christian act. I knew that if I did it, I would either have to give up my faith because it would be meaningless, or feel large amounts of guilt at telling people I was a Christian with my mouth when my behaviour was telling a different story.

I’m not saying I was perfect. I made many decisions that were good in my teenage years. I also made some bad ones. But at that point, I chose to have integrity and be the person I said that I was. I chose to be faithful to the decision I had made years ago to be a Christian.

With every opportunity and pressure to break the rules or do something that I couldn’t reconcile with my Christian faith, I was really asking myself, “What kind of person am I and what kind of person do I want to be?”, “How do I get to be that kind of person?” and “Am I willing to do what it takes to be that person?”

What happens if you’ve never thought about this kind of thing in your life? What happens if you don’t want to make these sorts of decisions?

Think about it like a mobile phone. When you get a new one, it’s great fun to spend a couple of hours re-setting all the stuff like ring tones and display. You get your phone going just the way you want it and personalise it. If you don’t do that, the phone will still work on the default setting, but it will be just like every other phone out there. 

You’re just like a phone. There are default settings for your life. If you never change your settings and make decisions, you will end up like the majority out there because you’ll go down the same paths, do the same things and end up in the same place.

When you’re a child, things happen to you that you can’t control, but from this point in your life, things happen because of a decision that’s either made or not made.

You can choose what settings your life will go on. If you don’t choose, your life will be a life on ‘default’. Look ahead 10 years. What do you see? Your decisions have already been made for you - by the majority of your peers.

What happens if you just can’t decide what path you want to take in life, or what kind of person you want to be?

A good strategy is to find an older person you admire and get to know them. Churches are full of godly older women. You could choose one who’s 25 or one who’s 80. Or choose both. Ask them what decisions they made in their life, and if they have any regrets. Find out what they think has been the most important thing in their life. Spend time with them and try out their values and attitudes.

If you’re a Christian and your decision is to be more like Jesus, and to follow God’s leading through your life, you just can’t go past making time in your life to regularly read your Bible and pray. You can’t go past getting together with other Christians at church and youth group to learn and be encouraged. You can’t go past asking the Holy Spirit to change you and give you opportunities to grow in faith and good deeds.

If you’re not a Christian, I seriously recommend you check out Jesus for yourself. Find a Christian person you trust and ask them some questions. Get a copy of Mark’s Gospel and read it. Test God out by talking to him. It’s called prayer. He will answer you, so get ready for it. In my experience, the Christian life is fulfilling, meaningful and exciting. Yes, it can be hard, but after the hard bits are over, I look back and see how much I’ve learned.

In terms of peer pressure, of course, the big question is, ‘will making these big life decisions actually change anything for me?’

The answer is yes. If you know who you are and where you are going, you’re a person with a plan and a purpose. Everyone respects people who know what they are about. Even if that respect is not shown outwardly, I guarantee you that it’s there.

When I was 15, I changed schools. Before I left, one of the girls who gave me a hard time about my faith and my choices said seriously to me, “You know, I do respect you really. You at least know what you’re about and you’re not afraid to stand up for it.”

Having a plan and a purpose also helps you to keep your big picture in mind. If you’re aiming to be a person who shows compassion for others, then you’ll see that joining in teasing or gossip because everyone else is doing it isn’t going to help you get to your goal. You’ll be able to say no because you have a bigger purpose in your life. 

That’s fine, you might be saying. But I think you’ve forgotten what it feels like to be a teenager. How does that help me when my peers want me to join in the smoking behind the toilets, or offer me drugs at parties, or laugh at me because I won’t have sex with my boyfriend? How does that solve the sinking feeling at the pit of my stomach when I turn up somewhere wearing the wrong outfit? How does that help me get rid of the fear I have of being weird, being crazy and being the misfit in the group?

Don’t worry. I know the feelings all too well. I remember the ever-present fear of falling on my face, literally and metaphorically, that stayed with me all through high school. I can still feel the terror of being different, being weird, and being laughed at. It felt like bubbles in my stomach, weights in my feet and a red burn across my face. I was desperately afraid of slipping up and embarrassing myself.

The fact is that peer pressure and fear usually go together.

Teenagers are always conscious of the fear of not fitting in. When it flares up, they feel it right through their bodies. They would rather endure the disapproval and dismay of their parents and teachers, and do dangerous and unpleasant and unattractive things than suffer the bad feelings that go with the rejection that they are so frightened of.

Frankly, parents and adults are terrified of peer pressure too. They too remember the fear of adolescence, and they desperately don’t want their child to experience it. They also don’t want their child to make choices that they know will affect their lives negatively. They would rather endure living with an unhappy, grounded, restricted teenager than see them get into bigger trouble out there in the world.

I said at the beginning of this chapter that lots of the things people think about peer pressure are not true.  Here are some of the myths.

• All teenagers are so susceptible to peer pressure that they will do anything to fit in.
• It’s impossible to stand up to peer pressure.
• Doing things like drinking and drugs are a normal part of being a teenager.
• Getting through peer pressure depends a lot on luck.

There is a way to be a teenager who is happy, smart and normal without following the party, drugs and sex route. There is a way to be different yet to fit in. There is a way to have a lot of fun and yet not be considered a freak by your friends or send your parents into a spin so that they ground you for the rest of your existence.

It is possible to stand up to pressure. You are not so weak that you can’t possibly do it, and it’s got almost nothing to do with luck. 

To read the next part of this series, click here.

If there are two words that could just about completely sum up being a teenager, they are ‘peer’ and ‘pressure’, usually used together in the same sentence by adults, especially parents, with terrified looks on their faces.

When people talk about peer pressure, they usually think about things like drinking, drugs, sex, driving too fast and doing dangerous, harmful things. Apparently teenagers are so susceptible to peer pressure that they will end up doing things that could kill them because they so desperately want to fit in.

When people talk about peer pressure they think that it’s impossible to stand up to it, that it’s a normal part of being a teenager and that everyone has to suffer through it sometime. Apparently teenagers are so weak that they have no choice but to do what everyone else is doing all the time. If they’re lucky they’ll come through relatively ok and go on to lead a normal life.

Some of these things are slightly true. A lot of them appear to be true. But many of these things are not true.

It’s helpful to understand a bit about peer pressure.

When you’re a child, your development and what you learn is mostly focused around parents and family. What your family thinks is very important to you. When you’re a teenager, you take what you’ve learned at home and start to see how you fit in the outside world. Now it becomes important to have your peers think positively of you. Being influenced by peers is a necessary part of growing up.

I think peer influence is a great thing.

In good times, being with peers gives us compassion, relating skills, and knowledge. Peers can deepen our understanding of life, can help us make decisions and can help us get a better understanding of who we are. There can be a great sense of community and oneness with a group of peers.

In bad times, peers can give us an opportunity to stand up for what we believe, a reason to examine our motives more thoroughly and a chance to build strength into our lives. 

Want to read part Two of this series? Click here.

Even better, though, she has some great advice on helping your child to learn, to stay calm and focused and to yes, behave!

Something I found helpful were her words on noticing and giving feedback. Any parent knows that the phrase, "Look at me mum and dad" can be repeated forever.

Most of us have had a conversation like this:

Kid: (twirling around) "Look at this Mum"

Mum: (reading) "Oh, great. Mm hmm."

Kid: (two seconds later) "Mum, look at me. Look what I'm doing."

Mum: (looking down at book and in monotone) "Yep, I'm watching. You're fantastic."

Kid: (two seconds later) “Mum, look at this!” etc etc

Yeah right. I'm not watching at all!

Bailey says that research shows that children's brains need constant feedback in order to grow and develop. Giving feedback that is specific and tailormade to the occasion is far more useful in the long run than pretending to look and approve or even giving praise.

So the conversation above would ideally sound like this:

Kid: (twirling around) "Look at this Mum"

Mum: (watching) "You're twirling around. Your head is going around and around."

Kid: "I'm going around and around."

Mum: "You're still doing it. Your feet are working hard. You must be getting dizzy."

The child is quiet for a while, until she starts to jump and down...

“Look at me Mum” is not really a call for attention.  Instead, it’s a request for specific feedback. Our children need us to see what they are doing and tell them about it so it reinforces the learning in their brains.

Approximately 5 years ago I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder – also known as manic depression, a mood disorder characterised by swings of elevated mood and periods of depression. The symptoms and treatment of my illness have had a dramatic impact on all aspects of my life, but the effect on my Christian life has been absolutely devastating. Nothing has been the same in my relationship with God or in my relationship with the church.

The early days (and months) of my illness were unchartered territory and navigating a safe course was a challenge not only for me, but for those around me. I was blessed with wonderful Christian friends and a committed ministry team but none of us were experienced in dealing with mental illness and none of us were prepared for how difficult things could be.

Along the way we found things that would prove to be of enormous benefit. We also made mistakes. The patience and dedication of my friends and my minister can not be understated. I hope that the lessons we learnt may be of some benefit to others who may be supporting someone with mental illness in a Christian context.

It’s impossible to place too much emphasis on the value of prayer where someone is suffering with mental illness (or any other hardship). Even when I could not pray for myself, I took great comfort in the knowledge that others were praying for me. A simple sms saying ‘I’m praying for you’ often made a real difference.

It’s a wonderful statement of friendship and love that people care enough to pray. Knowing that they were thinking of me was something to hold onto when times were hard, and then of course there are the real benefits of prayer – petitioning our great and powerful God to intervene. Answers to prayer seemed slow in coming, but I believe that the overall improvement in my condition is an answer to the prayers prayed fervently over a long period of time.

As well as praying for a sufferer, it’s worth offering to pray with them too. I found it to be of enormous value when people offered to pray with me – either individually or in a group.

Reminding the sufferer of previous answers to prayer, however small, can also be a big encouragement. For me, reminders of God’s faithfulness in previous down-swings and reminders of his gift of perseverance were very helpful.

Scripture is, of course, the other primary tool for ministry. Be warned though, Romans 8:28 (‘In all things God works for the good of those who love him…”) is not likely to get you very far. When in the midst of depression; my inner voice continuously told me that I was a failure and the last thing I needed was to feel that I was a failure as a Christian too. I felt pressure to live up to ‘bible expectations’ and to ‘suffer well’, but I did not rejoice in my suffering, I was not joyful in all circumstances and I did not want to be refined by fire. Trite answers and memory verses have the potential to make things much worse. So how can we use God’s word in ministering to someone in a depressive episode?  Of course everyone is different, but I found great solace in the Psalms.

The Psalms present the full range of emotions, and my doubt, anger and distress found expression there. Like the Psalmist in Psalm 88, I cried out to God day and night and felt that darkness was my only friend. The Psalms gave me encouragement that my distress and angst were not completely unacceptable to God and that gave me an anchor point to keep reading and praying through these precious verses.

I was recently asked what response we should have if someone was angry with God. Should we try and get them to repress it? Short answer, no. I think if I had not been allowed to vent my feelings – as jumbled as they were, there would have been much more guilt. God is big enough to hear our angry thoughts and he loves us enough to want us to be honest with him. I think that being angry at God is still a sign of being in relationship with God.

Despite the valuable contribution of both prayer and bible reading, it’s important to acknowledge that sometimes things just don’t go as we would wish them to. Things don’t always get better. Sometimes we just continue to ask Why?

Knowing all the answers is not a pre-requisite for ministering to others. I am most grateful for those who walked alongside me, who were committed for the long term, who listened, and who were simply there for me. Those treasured brothers and sisters showed me Christ’s love in a very dark time. A gift from God I shan’t easily forget.